Opie's Ground Rules

As most of you know, my brother is coming down to Atlanta tomorrow. It should be a fun weekend and I'm looking forward to his visit.

Yesterday, I received a call on my cell phone from his number. I answered but it wasn't Opie. It was Danielle, his girlfriend, calling with some ground rules for the weekend. I told her unless she had a ring on her finger, ground rules did not apply. I don't think she took me seriously but I decided to humor her.

So, after several minutes, she finally gave me the ground rules for the weekend. They are as follows:

1 - Opie is not, in any way, to touch, fondle, pet, caress, stroke, feel, gaze at, admire, stare at, mention, point out or appreciate the breasts, posterior, or any other off-limits part of a woman's body.

2 - Opie is forbidden from engaging in conversation with any woman unless the conversation involves the following topics: the direction of the restroom, the time, how handsome his older brother is, the 1984 Detroit Tigers, or Danielle.

3 - The above rule will be considered null and void if a woman is of an unattractive nature and is attempting to converse with either Todd, Jorge, Howard, Jeff or Elliott. Should this situation arise, Opie will consider it his duty to take over the conversation with that woman in order to better appreciate his current relationship.

4 - Opie shall maintain a strict 100' buffer from the following types of establishments: strip clubs, porn shops, churches, and any museum celebrating Coca-Cola products or the history of.

5 - Todd will ensure that Opie checks in at least once every two hours between the hours of 10:00 AM and 2: 00 AM. (Note: Todd has no intention of doing this and at this point in the conversation is starting to think Danielle needs to lighten up just a hair.)

6 - Opie will be required to purchase one souvenir-type item, costing no less than 14 US Dollars, which will be presented to Danielle upon arrival back in Ohio Sunday evening.

7 - Failure to adhere to the above rules will result in a punishment of Danielle's choosing, most likely a forced watching of Lifetime Channel, Golden Girls reruns, or the newest Diane Lane movie.

Fortunately, that's all she had for me. I'm surprised I was able to write everything down as she was talking pretty fast. It probably goes without mentioning at this point, but God help my brother.